The Most Dangerous Condiment......Ever.

Mustard. People like to pour it all over their Dodger dogs. You can find it on those bratwurst things they sell. But it is dangerous, and it should be outlawed at Chavez Ravine. Ok, so I have to admit. I am not a mustard fan. My dodger dog is lined with ketchup and onions...ONLY. And although I've had my fair share of ketchup disaster run ins (can they PLEASE put some flow control on those dispensers???) I think most people would join me in my plight to name mustard the most dangerous condiment ever.

Picture this: You enter Dodger Stadium filled with anticpation and excitment. You flash the usher your ticket as you waltz past the gate. You locate your seats when suddenly your nose (and then, of course,) your stomach remind you that it is time to eat. You browse your food choices...depending on the level in which you sit...this could take a short time or a long time :) After realizing that there really is no choice better than the Dodger Dog, you jump in line. Hopefully you've jumped in line where the dogs are NOT grilled, and when you order you order the all beef super dodger dog. But, hey, I'm not hear to judge...you're still at the game. After spending WAY TOO MUCH money on your hearty feast, you proceed to the condiment station. Hmmmm..choices. Relish. Mustard. Ketchup. Onions. Being the Roman that you are, you decide to pile your Dodger Dog with every condiment option. Voila! Masterpiece. Since you're an old pro you roll up the dog back in the wrapper as if it's never been opened. Napkins? Check. Better make it a double stock of napkins.

The warm Dodger Dog awaits its moment to shine. In mere seconds you will embark upon the delicious taste that no other hot dog can give you. Hopefully you reach your seats AFTER the National Anthem. There is nothing worse than having to hold your Dodger Dog at bay while you wait for the song to finish and you don't want to be THAT person (you know the one that tries to sneak in bites during the song). You settle into your seat and begin to unwrap your Dodger Dog like a little kid on Christmas. Mouthwatering, you sink your teeth into it and cherish every bite. It's overflowing with condiments, but you are careful not to spill any on you, or the fancy dodger gear you're sporting. (extremely careful if the dodger gear you're sporting is authentic). As you wipe your face with your 18th napkin and congratulate yourself on a job well done....no spilling it seems like...success!! You proceed to just make sure and give yourself the once over. The friend you've brought with you nicely comments to the side crevice of your mouth and gently lets you know "hey, you've got mustard there." No problem, you just pull out your 19th napkin and wipe away the evidence. (good thing you got that double stack)

The game begins and as you reach for your drink a yellow flicker catches your eye. The ninja mustard has done it again. This time, in your fingernails. How the heck did that happen? You use the palms of your hands to hold the dog as well as keeping the part not being eaten INSIDE the wrapper. There's no sign of relish, ketchup, OR onions on your hand..just the dang mustard. It appears on not one, but two of your mischievous fingers. You slyly grab your 20th napkin and secretly try to rub it off. Before you rub all your skin off, you realize a dry napkin is just not going to work. You figure out a way to hide these yellow fingers until you can make a bee line for the bathroom.

Ok, it was inside the side crevices of your mouth. Embedded in your fingernails. These are things we can work with. However, as you look down you notice a tiny splotch of mustard on your jersey. Not only is it mooshed in to the jersey, it is in a location you are fairly certain your hot dog never went. Not at any moment do you recall setting your hot dog down on your hip, or your shoulder, or in the middle of your stomach.

If any of these has happened to you, you can understand and appreciate how mustard is the most dangerous condiment ever. It is the ninja of all condiments. We should send mustard in to invade our enemies...they won't even know what hit them. Maybe it's a little hasty to say that mustard should be outlawed at Dodger Stadium. But maybe, they should provide dry cleaning services.